I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
