So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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