people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
