I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
