apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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