For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
