Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
