dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
