They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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