i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
