Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
she woke up with a sticky ear
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I touched a dick in church today
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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