Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
