Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
