just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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