So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I should be sponsored by Trojan
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
