I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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