Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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