just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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