her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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