A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And then my night got REAL pukey
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
