I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
