I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
