I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
