my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
