i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
