She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
