"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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