the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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