got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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