do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
