I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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