DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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