When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
