I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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