....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
