I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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