I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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