"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
