She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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