my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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