the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
