The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize