How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
