so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
