sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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