I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
