i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
