i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
