alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
