My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
