so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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