if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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