i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
