hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
